When is a mother not a mother?

This post has now moved here.

Nearly two years ago I was rushed into theatre, given a powerful epidural and had my first child pulled out of me with what appears to be a cross between a plunger and a vacuum (ventouse delivery). It all sounds pretty horrific, and I did find it quite upsetting at the time. However the moment my son was placed in my arms it was love at first sight and I was riding a wonderful high of maternal love for a few months after his birth. I was extremely lucky, and I knew this. Though I don’t think I knew just how lucky I was. Despite a horrific pregnancy and a scary birth, I still got to experience something which might be common place in the movies, but isn’t necessarily so in real life.

Seems my luck didn’t hold for birth number two.

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7 thoughts on “When is a mother not a mother?

  1. Lucy Benedict says:

    Wow. That’s an incredibly powerful post. I think you’re being amazingly honest and brave about how you’re feeling, and I can completely understand how you feel, despite not having had anything like your experience. It actually seems quite ‘normal’ to me that you would feel the way you do, because your role has been removed for the time being.
    I really hope that once she’s safely home with you, your feelings shift and you start to feel like her mother. Because you are. It’s only circumstances that make you feel like this at the moment.

      • Lucy Benedict says:

        There is absolutely no failing on your part, none at all, and I do think that you being so honest about how you feel now will only be a good thing for your relationship with your daughter long-term.

  2. Soni says:

    I can understand how you feel and I think that by putting this all down on your blog it will help you to start to “heal” but I also think you need to see a professional as you are a prime candidate for PTSD. Some counselling (Bliss may have contacts) may help you to put things into perspective and hopefully in the longer term help to build a loving relationship with your daughter. Good luck and I hope your duaghter comes home soon.

  3. chelsbonilla says:

    I just posted a similar blog. I know exactly how you feel with not being connected to her. Even after my Emma (born at 31 weeks) came home I was too scared to get too close to her. I felt like she would get taken away from me again for good. I would avoid thinking about the future with her. I would only picture my other daughters and husband- but not Emma. I disconnected myself from her. She is now almost 2 and she is such an amazing little girl and I can’t imagine my life without her. I do have to see a psychiatrist and therapist quite often because of my depression after she was born. But things have been looking up for a while- hope it gets better for you.

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