#EDAW2015, #effyourbeautystandards, #spoonieproblems and self hate (TW)

This post has now moved to here.

I don’t get on with my body very much. In fact that’s quite an understatement. And today that self loathing hit me like a sledgehammer. I’ve got a romantic day out with my husband planned, at a spa, we’ll be getting massages and spend time in steam rooms and jacuzzis. It all sounds heavenly. The problem is that I need swimwear now, so I thought I’d pop in to town and pick up a swimsuit. In my excitement about the spa day I forgot just how bad it could be. As I stood in the changing room, listening to the size 8 teen in the next cubicle complain she was too fat and needed to be at least a size 6, and staring at myself in the full length mirror I felt utterly broken.

There I stood, size 20, an overhanging belly, fat dimpled thighs and upper legs, sagging boobs, and massive silver stretchmarks cobwebbing their way across large swathes of my flesh.. I felt disgusting. I wanted to be sick, I wanted to starve, I wanted to binge, I wanted to cut and carve and tear away chunks of flesh. I wanted to physically hurt.

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6 thoughts on “#EDAW2015, #effyourbeautystandards, #spoonieproblems and self hate (TW)

  1. Ms Davis says:

    This is so honest and raw. I am so sorry that you feel your body has failed you – I’m sure patriarchal beauty standards do not help. I hope you find some peace with your body – it clearly houses a great writer!

  2. therealthunderchild says:

    Oh crikey…you could be me.
    I was a functioning anorexic through most of my military career. I only became happy with my body after it slettled to size 12 … and stayed there … After a breakup.
    Then I had my child and I shrank because I couldn’t eat, (hoorah thunk I ) and when my body realised I was eating again, I ballooned.
    I also have an invisible problem with both feet which makes high impact exercise impossible.
    The trouble is, the very thought of dieting triggers me EXACLY the same way it triggers you, for the same reasons.
    And the ironic thing? When I started dieting I was 8stone 12…lighter than Jess Ennis.
    Dieting is a mindfuck, made even more so because of what it does to your natural “set point’, metabolism, (ie it makes you fat) and long term self esteem.

    If neither of us had due tied we’d both still be slim.

    THANKYOU for writing this. X

    • MurderOfGoths says:

      Yes, absolutely. It’s not even going on a diet, just thinking about it sets everything off. I’ve deliberately not bothered getting new batteries for the bathroom scales because I know where that leads too. I haven’t got the faintest idea what my weight is now, and don’t dare find out, because any time I have my mind just flips back to the daily weigh in and the need to constantly outdo the day before.

      I had hyperemesis in both pregnancies, I forgot to write this in the blog. I was vomiting if I even had a sip of water, I was desperately ill, constantly in hospital on a drip, and miserable beyond belief. I’d tell people in my most miserable/desperate voice that I’d lost too much weight, but inside be so proud. I knew it was dangerous, for me and the baby, and I hated being so ill, but I was losing weight!

  3. rammkatze says:

    I’m sorry to hear your pain. But it pretty much describes my Problem with this new wave of plus sized models. It’s like you say: you look at them and See beauty, but when you look at yourself you See grotesque. Because they, amazingly so, are all stretch-mark free, cellulite free, do not have a single mole on their flawless plus-sized skin, able to stretch more than the incredible hulk’s ridiculous purple pants… First of all, the plus sized models are still a superficial defeniton of beauty that is based in hair, makeup and fashion. Secondly (even the ones who flaunt themselves in plain cotton underwear), they’re all still photoshopped! Seriously, I snorted laughter when I saw the proud foto of a Blogger next to Tess and her unphotoshopped knees. The laughter wasn’t because of her fat knees (size 24 here, hello!). It was because the people who so admire her seem not to realize that little Miss effyourbeautystandards uses and abuses as much of Photoshop as anyone else! Am I supposed to applaud at superficiality because of the size? Does fat suddenly not make us hypothermia-resistant, does it also automaticall worth mire? Frankly, due to my size, I’m glad for the surge in fashionable plus size clothes, but only to a certain extent. I say effanybeautystandards, especially the phoney photoshopped ones, no matter the size. I do hope you manage to overcome your trouble with your self-image and that you manage to rid yourself of any comparison. It’s all hypocrisy tha is really just not worth the trouble.

    • MurderOfGoths says:

      Thank you for this. I agree about the photoshopping, I think there are very few occasions where it is necessary, especially when the emphasis is on promoting the variety of beautiful real bodies. (Quick confession – I may have photoshopped some baby inflicted food stains off the photo in my newest blog post)

      I want to see women with scars and “flaws”, because I want to see that mine don’t make me a freak.

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